I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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