Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
