We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
