I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
my shit smells like andre
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Randomize
