oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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