i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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