How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
