I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
