I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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