If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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