I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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