You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
