Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
