We're like a lot better than the average bears
i love accidental penises.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
