I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
