I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
