My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
