We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
