We're like a lot better than the average bears
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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