why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize