My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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