Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
