that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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