): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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