why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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