I cannot find my penis.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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