Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize