I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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