I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize