i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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