you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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