Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Best friends brother. Beat that.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
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