ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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