Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
