His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
