so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
