I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
