A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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