I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
