it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
