I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
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