I puked a lego.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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