Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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