I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I want to be your penis for a week.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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