They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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