so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
