I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
