Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'm bleeding and have questions
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
