She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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