Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
