Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
