I faked an abortion last night.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
