apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
