accomplished twins. life is a go
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
