Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
