Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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