I'm gonna have a badass scar
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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