walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
