you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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