I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
