Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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