They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
we're so committed to being not committed
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
