Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
