I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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