i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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