After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
