I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Randomize