Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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