The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
