just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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