you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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