i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
